what not to wear

Where has all the fabric gone?

I pick a shirt off the rack. At first glance it looks like a shirt. Nice texture. Cute pattern. And then I hold it up to myself in the mirror. And HALF THE SHIRT IS GONE. It’s disappeared. Like someone got a hold of it with scissors, who clearly missed the “cut along the straight lines” lesson in kindergarten.

On past shopping sprees, I would purchase a shirt and receive a whole shirt for the price. Now, half of it is missing. Who decided this was a good idea? The guy who watches the bottom line, that’s who. He’s getting the revenue and using only half of his raw materials. What a genius business plan.

But I would venture to say, now I’m just spitballing here, that 80% of women do not need their torso hanging out of the bottom of a non-existent shirt. Yes, I said hanging. Haven’t you heard of a little thing called muffin top?

Now to be fair, maybe I should shop in a more age appropriate section of the store. But I’m just not ready to go all Sag Harbor on my wardrobe.

And I know, come next week, there will be some poor girl who walks into my classroom wearing a shirt that looks like half of it is missing. And I will say to myself, “bless her heart.” But please honey, don’t even think about pairing that top with a bandage skirt. Don’t make me go into fashion intervention mode.

Call me old-fashioned, but when I purchase a shirt, I want an entire shirt.